Sunday, July 16, 2017

Einsamkeit (Everan and Alarian)

------ indicates change of perspective between Ev and Ali

Southern Summerset Isle sometime before the events of Battlespire:

“Everan! Clean your damn room already!” My heart pounds in my chest as I run through the house as quickly as I can up to my little room, that wasn't even meant as a bedroom in the first place, it was an office. Hurriedly I start cleaning the room, throwing clothes haphazardly into drawers, brushing the dust off the windowsill and repatching the crack in the window with masking tape. I go to hide a book in my desk drawer but hear footsteps on the stairs and slam the drawer shut. My mother pears in the doorway “make sure you put everything away before your dad comes upstairs.” She whispers warning me. Dear gods how long will it be until I can get away from these two?! Before my sister died I at least had one outlet of happiness, now I have none. All I do everyday is clean, and cook, and help with chores or get yelled at. I can't even go to school for the rest of this school year because we need money so badly. I sing to myself quietly as I clean to try to take my mind off the task. “At times my face may look grim, But I'm actually just cold. Though I don't mind it… I take pride in work that needs delicacy, But my fingers are too big That's why Even if I'm said to be "generally adequate," Strictly speaking I don't understand. Loneliness, Loneliness, Loneliness. I want to be to be found! If the kitchen is just going to get dirty, Then is it not better to just not to cook?” My father comes upstairs then and inspects my work. I anxiously await either the grunt of slightly less disgust than normal or yelling that it's not good enough. Unsurprisingly it's the latter, my punishment this time? Not seeing any of my friends for a week, at least. Besides, it's not like I have any friends in the first place. That's what I was singing about anyways. The near constant void of loneliness and isolation I live in. Why won't someone stumble upon the little house falling apart on the outskirts of town? Why can't I be found?!

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Far away, in another part of the world, another teenager was experiencing a similar feeling.
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Fereldan circle before the events of Origins:

“Hey there going the antisocial one!” A fellow Mage tells their friend. “I heard they're parents willingly gave them up when they were a baby because they didn't want them.” The other replies “they've been here since they were like two and yet they never talk, they just try to make things hard for everyone else and get in trouble! I wonder why they're Irving's apprentice?” I glare at the two before turning away and going off toward the second floor staircase. Knocking on the door to Irving's office I get no response. “First enchanter? Are you in there?” I call again with no response. “Alarian dear Enchanter Irving is at an important meeting at another circle for a few weeks.” An older woman, probably about 40 or so named Wynne says. I hang my head “oh. Sorry about knocking then. I'll go downstairs now.” She stops me and asks what's wrong “you wouldn't understand.” I explain quickly before heading downstairs again.

Falling against my bedsheets I sigh to myself and glance at another kid out in the hall all alone. I'm not sure I've seen him around here before. It's another elf. I walk up to the boy and introduce myself but he quickly goes off with a few other boys, leaving me alone once again. Why are kids my age so rude? I have an idea then and seek the company of an older Mage in the library who I know well. “What's wrong, Ali?” He asks as I sit across from him with my face in my arms. “Einsamkeit.”
 I mumble, being multilingual and the other Mage being from a predominantly German speaking area I speak in German to him. He sighs “I know the feeling well.” He gets up and grabs a small, guitar
like instrument from a corner and sits down again. “Would you like me to sing a song for you about it?” I nod slowly, that might make me feel better, or worse who knows? “I'm sure you know the song, would you like to sing it with me?” He begins to play a rhythm that I recognize from somewhere in
the back of my mind. We alternate from phrase to phrase, singing the chorus together.

Though I look like I’m lecturing,
I'm actually just talking
It's not really...
At times my face may look grim,
But I'm actually just cold
Though I don't mind it...

I take pride in work that needs delicacy,
But my fingers are too big
That's why
Even if I'm said to be "generally adequate,"
Strictly speaking
I don't understand

Loneliness
Loneliness
Loneliness

I want to be found

Though they say I eat only Latkas,
They're the same with beer and meat
If the kitchen is just going to get dirty,

Then is it not better to just not to cook?

Loneliness
Loneliness
Loneliness

My heart is opening, I want to be set free
Because you are here, I can be myself

I'm always said to be scowling,
But who said my smiling face has been erased?
You may think I'm frightening,
But it's only because I'm straining to laugh

Just be Strong
Through Loneliness

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We now switch to modern day Summerset and Ferelden
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Phillip gazes at me with a thoughtful expression on his face. “Why do you always have a sad or blank expression on your face, Ev?” He asks, as he's usually smiling. I shrug “I'm capable of smiling.” I remember when I first met Sarah she thought I was big and scary because I wasn't smiling. A lyric to a long forgotten song pops into my head then as Phillip bids me goodnight and leaves for his own home. “I'm always said to be scowling, But who said my smiling face has been erased? You may 
think I'm frightening, But it's only because I'm straining to laugh” Soon she warmed up to me and we've become good friends, but it's funny how a single memory like that can bring back so many
feelings of loneliness. Now I walk home and it begins to rain as I walk, only worsening my feeling of
isolation.
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“I'll just be gone for a few weeks.” Zevran pats my head softly and wipes away a stray tear. “B-but I don't want you to leave!” He sighs and begins to walk off towards his boat, I try to run after him but Alistair restrains me and I struggle in his grip before giving up and falling limp. Leliana tells me she needs to run Errands and with Wynne off looking for spell books with Morrigan, Sten and Orghren drunk and sleeping and Zevran off on business it's just Alistair and I alone in the house.

For the rest of the day I stay shut in my room, not coming out despite Alistair's pleas. At least he hasn't left yet. Still the room feels like it's closing in on me as the loneliness intensifies, but being to weak to do anything, I simply stay put.
I look around the room, Liz lays on the dresser, patched clothes and muddy boots cover the floor, a small wooden box sits in the corner, the white paint chipping signifying it's old age. The broken mirror from when I punched it peaks out from the closet. Storybooks and my guitar lay against my nightstand. I run my hand over the pendant I always wear, a Star of David I made years ago. I take pride in work that needs delicacy, But my fingers are too big? That's why
Even if I'm said to be "generally adequate," Strictly speaking, I don't understand. Elves are known for having interesting, and somewhat delicate craftsmanship, as applied to the more angular dwarven craft. This pendant is probably one of my best works, and I wear it with pride. But my fingers are too large and rough for working with more delicate things such as needle work. When people compliment me on things such as how I sewed up some areas of Liam that were starting to fray, I don't
understand what they mean. I've just been so isolated I don't know what they mean. Doesn't everyone patch up their clothes when they're breaking? A note slips under the door. Alistair needs to go pick up his sword from the blacksmith. Great, now I'm truly alone, what fun. Though I realize it's only for a little while and they'll be back, I'm still lonely.

Einsamkeit
Einsamkeit
Einsamkeit…

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We switch to both at the same time singing as a duet. Everan walking in the rain and Ali shut in their room bold Italics indicate singing or speech at the same time 
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Loneliness
Loneliness
Loneliness

Just be strong through the loneliness.


“I'm not sure I can be strong.” I say to myself unlocking the door to my apartment and closing the door.

“Be strong? Hah, as if. Besides anyone leaves eventually. Always has been like that. Always will be like that.” I think out loud as I crawl off my bed and open the bedroom door, walking into the vacant hallway and throughout the empty household.

“At the end of the day all I am is lonely.” 










2 comments:

  1. Breaking off from the Karen Live Music show to listen to Einsamkeit.

    Wonderful songfic, Max!

    I wondered - who was Germany and who was Austria in this? I might guess - Ali is Germany and Everan Austria.

    And isn't a lecture supposed to be a conversation? With the ideas; with the material?

    The work ethic ... it may defeat us all in the end.

    Yes, the kitchen is something of a big dirt machine. Though probably not as much as keyboards and toilets. Machines of fluids and dust respectively.

    And one thing I'm not liking is why embedded videos in YouTube are so LOUD. Like Maximum Loud. Maybe I can turn up or down through the keyboard. - or mute them altogether...

    "But my smiling face hasn't been erased ... But it's only because I'm straining to laugh". I liked the way Phil and Ev did this.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you!

    ...Prussia is the other, not Austria. But I guess Everan could sing either, though I had imagined Ali singing the Prussia part.

    A lecture can be a conversation, at times.

    Kitchens get dirty very easily, especially when being used.

    Hmm, I've never had that problem myself, sorry about that. Maybe try looking it up on a seperate tab.

    Thank you, I did too :)

    ReplyDelete