Hybrid (Valan)

Self harm trigger warning and general implied depression/suicidal thoughts other than that it's not that sad?

3E 427

Tick, tick, tick, tick goes the clock. Yet I can not sleep. The apartment is filled with silence except for the in and out of breathing or Bella, the dog, rolling in her sleep. I run my hand over my alarm clock, which displays the numbers in raised print. 1:45 AM, 7 hours and 15 minutes left, that is if I fell asleep right now. Sitting up I grab a binder sitting near my bed and start reading the required book, Number the Stars. It's interesting, but sad. I put it down, depressing reading is the last thing I need at this time of night, instead I climb out of bed as softly as I can, slipping on a pair of shoes and a jacket, tiptoeing through the main room. Bella starts awake as I pass by and I quickly shush her, she lies down and goes back to sleep. Grabbing a jacket off the rack and my keys I silently slip out into the night.

Bounding down the stairs two at a time while being as quiet as I can I quickly reach the exit of the building. Now where to go? Most places would be closed at this time of night except for the occasional bar. I decide to head towards my school, not to do anything in particular, but it's the only place that came to mind. Groups of boys wander the streets, giving me menacingly looks as I pass. One of them says something that I don't hear, and I would rather not hear. And so I keep walking, with my head down and my hands stuffed in my pockets. Here's the thing with imperials, in short, they're obnoxious and mean, not all of them of course, but a lot of them. Disrespectful of others customs and traditions, only caring that you become a hybrid version of yourself: partly your actual self, usually found behind closed doors or other non public places, and partly one of them, doing things their way, dressing their way, so that their “empire” grows. Something hits me in the back and so I turn around. “Where you going off to at this hour?” One of the boys asks with an evil grin on his face. I look down at the object thrown at me, it was a small stone. I look back up, and they stare at me, all with the same wicked smile, and all holding stones. My eyes widen and before I can think I'm running for my life, hiding in an ally I notice a ladder, and quickly take to the rooftops. So much for a nice walk. The group of boys scout for me as I watch from the rooftops, the dark material of my jacket blending in with the night. Eventually the boys give up and walk off towards the Garden District. I sit on the rooftop of one of the buildings and take out the dagger hidden in the inner pocket of my jacket. I fidget with it, taking it in and out of its sheath, spinning it in my fingers. The blade slashes my wrist by accident, blood begins to show, not much, but it's noticeable. I stare at it, almost entranced my it for reasons I don't know. The boys words and insults I'll spare you from hearing come back into my head, I drag the blade across again, and again, and again. Over and over until my lower arm and wrist are covered in a series of small linear gashes. Coming to my senses I drop the dagger. What have I done? I throw the bloodied dagger in a pile of abandoned boxes and run off towards home, a few blocks away by rooftop, quicker than by ground.

I silently enter the apartment and bandage my wrists, change, and fall back into bed. I still cannot sleep, adrenaline still rushing through my veins. Sometimes it's as if my brain splits into two, not physically, but mentally. You have one side that feeds on havoc, anxiety and depression and all the other terrible feelings that haunt me in the middle of the night, and the other side that actually enjoys getting up in the morning and seeing people, going to school, though that side rarely shows itself. Then they merge, fighting for dominance though they come to be one, in the end, the person I present to the world is a hybrid me.

THE NEXT DAY

“Why are you wearing long sleeves it's going to be hot today? I don't want you to overheat.” My mother asks as she sets down a plate. I shrug quickly thinking of a valid excuse “Schools cold.” She doesn't look like she's convinced, but shrugs and turns back to the stove “Whatever you say, but if I ask Tiggs and he's not cold expect more questions.” I swallow hard “Bit unfair isn't that?” She leans on the counter “What did you do?” I look down and roll up my sleeves, revealing the white bandage and averting my eyes. My mother unwraps one of the bandages, revealing still fresh wound. She wraps her arms around me and hugs me tightly, I feel a wet drop on my shirt and realize she's crying. “Why are you crying Ama?” She wipes her eyes “It makes me sad to see you like this. You shouldn't hurt yourself Valan. In the end it doesn't accomplish anything, I should know.” The end confuses me “Why should you know?” She wipes away the remaining tears “I was once like you. I too once hurt myself when I saw no alternative, I struggled to live two different lives.” I sometimes forget she went to school here for a bit before going back to Morrowind. “Haiburiddo na watashi o misete. I was thinking about that last night, the Lily song.” She nods “I am showing you the hybrid me. It's an interesting song. Anyways, if you ever feel down or like hurting yourself please tell someone, it doesn't have to be me, though it'd be helpful if you did, just please tell someone. Okay?” I nod and take a bite of my breakfast “Sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I didn't know how to.” She pats me on the head “I'm going to email Miss Emily at school and see if she's available to meet with you. Other than that have a good day, don't get into trouble with any substitutes this time please, try not to fall down the stairs, and please please please don't switch health classes with Tiggs I know it sucks but just zone out or something. Bye!” She ushers me out the door, in which Tiggs is already waiting in the hallway and notices my tired appearance “Rough night?” He signs. “You have no idea.” I sign back and the two of us laugh as we walk down the stairs. Hopefully today is a better day.

I sit in math class sleepily zoning out and staring out the window. The song playing over and over in my head “Look at the hybrid me,     La la lu laa la lu laa la lu La la la La la...La la la.” And with the last words my head hits the desk as I fall asleep.