Scattered Ashes (Lucien)

 Starting off Lucien month with 'oh wow I was NOT processing that as well as I thought' enjoy :)

“Dig it up.” Issy looks at the freshly dug grave and then at me, dumbfounded and almost annoyed. “What do you mean ‘dig it up’ I just buried it!” A valid point, but it’s my body and I get to decide what to do with it. “You’ve seen zombies right? They’re scary even when not like that…now think of that running toward you in the darkness.” I point to the freshly turned over dirt and Issy makes a face somewhere between disgust and horror, silently nods, and starts digging. “So what’re you planning to do with it once it’s dug up?” An excellent question, given most of the worlds standard death practices involve burial and just being left to rot. “We’re going to do a Dunmer burial.” Issy looks up from her digging rather confused and raises an eyebrow to silently say what’s so different about a Dunmer burial? “We’re going to cremate it.” I say bluntly after a moment of confused silence “ohhhhh…alright.” With the matter cleared up the only sound for awhile is that of digging until the body is retrieved.

Back at cloud ruler temple, as it was the closest place to Applewatch, the big fires finally have a use other than providing some not very good amount of warmth to the fortress. The blades are confused to see me in my new semi-transparent form, but most of them have seen stranger- a blue ghostly assassin isn’t too out there if you’ve worked for Uriel Septim. The smell of burning flesh isn’t too pleasant but is honestly better than the state of the body beforehand. The black hand were particularly brutal to me in the last moments of my life, and Mathieu especially. Eventually nothing is left but some bones as the fire dies “So, here’s a question you probably never had to think about, where do you want your ashes scattered?” I was not expecting to die so young or unexpectedly so I never wrote a will or thought about my own death very much, so Issy is correct in her statement I never did think about it. Having some strange sort of autonomy in my own funeral is comforting in a way, while my body is a thing of the past though my current form mirrors it’s state prior to mutilation I have the ability to decide what to do with it from the other side of the living. A very strange gift of sorts, life after death. I ponder the question for some moments. Where do I want my ashes scattered? I can think of multiple places, really, each with their own form of importance. “Some we’re keeping at fort Farragut in a jar so I can point to people and say that’s my body without a doubt, some we bring to the sanctuary, some to Anvil because it’s the closest place I can think of to water, a little to Riften, and some we bring on our next trip to Daggerfall…I want to throw them in the iliac bay.” I trail off at the end of my proposed plan but Issy agrees with it, we’ll have to map it out to find the best route. Baurus volunteers to come along to Daggerfall if needed, Martin will be fine stuck at the temple with Jauffre for a little while, I think he too misses the bay region, though he’s from the other side of it.

A map is quickly drawn up and the ashes placed in a ceremonial jar for protective and storage purposes. First on the list is the sanctuary, which feels cold and empty without its former usual chatter, then a detour is taken to Riften as going from Anvil would be harder. The city I have mixed feelings about, but it was an important place in my life, and it’s always beautiful in Autumn with leaves of red, green, and gold falling in the breeze. From there we find it easier to cut through Skyrim and get to Daggerfall, giving ourselves a chance to stop by the Falkreath sanctuary briefly though it’s not very inhabited, perhaps it will be more lively in the future- in a few years, a few decades, or even a hundred years or two. Getting to Daggerfall brings out some emotions I thought I’d buried somewhere deep down, and others I didn’t know I even had. Daggerfall is a place I have very mixed emotions about, it is my birthplace, and was my home for much of my early childhood, and yet something about it makes me sad. One day I find myself down by the docks where I’d run and play as a child, following the sailors and copying their every move- the little boy with no parents who knew everyone and somehow got by. Overall I had a happy childhood, and a happy life, and while I can continue my adventures in my new state…it’s not quite the same. There’s a debilitating grief twisted up in my heart that is somewhere between a longing, for touch, for food, for warmth, for anything…and a deep, gut wrenching, terrifying loneliness. Issy finds me at the docks as the sun sets over the bay, sitting on the edge of an old wooden dock used for fishing and looking out on the water. I’ve always found water calming, and now is no exception, even in the midst of chaos and grief and uncertainty it’s calm repetitive motions provide an engaging distraction to listen to and watch. “One of your old haunts?” Issy asks, sitting down and placing the container of ashes next to her. “In one way or another.” She had spent the day battling her own demons within this city, and Baurus had gone off on his own. “I always liked looking at the bay at sunset, the way the light dances on the water.” Issy points to the patterns of sunlight reflecting on the currents as the sun continues its descent. Baurus must have snuck up on us as he sits down on the other side of me and points out Sentential across the water, his home city before joining the blades. The three of us sit there for awhile silently, watching the water, the ships sailing by, and the way that as the sun sets it is replaced by the moons as darkness sets in. “Is it time?” Issy eventually asks me and I feel a nonexistent lump in my equally nonexistent throat before nodding and eventually very quietly replying that it’s time. Standing up Issy hands me the jar of ashes and I open it, taking a handful out and scattering them. Baurus I notice quietly sings a prayer as I concentrate on my task while Isabelle stands silently watching almost on ceremony, as if it were the death of an official. With the process a weight is lifted almost, the grief isn’t quite so suffocating, and the loneliness is a little lighter. Screwing on the lid again I hand over the jar, that’s enough for today, I think everyone could use a rest. Returning to the city itself we find ourselves in a pub familiar to all of us at one point or another that lifts our collective spirits before taking the next day to have a bit of fun, one might as well if you’ve made such a journey. Eventually it becomes time for us to leave, and we stop by Anvil briefly to scatter the last handful of ashes that had been planned before returning to the east, Baurus goes back to the temple and protecting Martin from all manner of harm, while Issy and I head back to fort Farragut. Upon my return while Issy heads inside I give Shadowmere an apple, she had stayed behind to rest so Issy could use another of her horses for once. “Shadowmere, my old and dear friend.” I say giving her a fond pat which she appreciates “You missed me didn’t you?” The reply is a noise that roughly translates to oh course I did you idiot, the usual reply. With a smile I give her another pat before heading inside myself. With the journey done all that’s left is to find a place for the remainder of the ashes and their container, and I find the perfect spot near the barrel of poisoned apples. “How does it feel to be finally properly laid to rest?” Issy asks as we look at the container in its new spot. “Relieving.” An understatement of course but not untrue. The whole process of scattering the ashes gives me a sense of a different and more powerful feeling altogether though, closure, something I had very little of in life I now get in death…a funny thing, now that I think of it standing and looking at the painted container. Eventually night comes and Issy goes to sleep, leaving only me, Dennis the dark guardian who wanders on the other side of the gate, and the container of ashes. With a sigh I attempt to relax in the chair I found myself sitting in, with closure mostly settled, now comes a different beast altogether when it comes to life after death, immortality, and spectral autonomy- soul crushing, heart wrenching, world swallowing grief…and I’m not sure if I can process it alone.