Never Argue With A Dark Guardian (Lucien)

A/N: this silly prompt has been sitting around forever so I finally decided to finish it, happy Halloween!

 Prompt: arguing

They say to never argue with a dark guardian, or any sort of undead, it won’t go anywhere. “Dennis, what are your thoughts on Breton cheese compared to Imperial cheese? Which is better?” I ask the dark guardian who stands lurking in his usual spot. While he lacks the ability to speak he is capable of conversing in his own way, usually through various noises and some gestures. I debate making him some sort of alternative communication system using pictures though I’m not sure he would be all that interested in using it. After asking if he likes Breton cheese or if he prefers Imperial cheese again I get a noise for the latter. “Really?! To think I overheard the guards the other day saying how they need to import some more things from Wayrest!” The skeleton makes a scoffing sound at the mention of the city of Wayrest, which I am inclined to agree with, in all honesty. “Alright then, which is a better city then, Wayrest or Daggerfall?” On that topic we agree that Daggerfall is the superior city, though not before arguing about which neighborhoods are the best. We spend the better part of an hour arguing about a variety of topics, mostly about cheese though as it's on the list of groceries I need to get. Eventually the time comes for me to get going into town to do the tasks written on my neglected to do list. “I’ll be back around five, do you want anything?” I ask Dennis while collecting my things and beginning to climb the ladder to the surface. Dennis makes three distinct noises that almost sound like words. “Okay okay, I’ll get apples, hay, and see if I can find some fish bones.” With my answer I get a happy sounding noise before the dark guardian wanders off out of sight into the rest of the fortress. Why he wants those things specifically is beyond me, unless he meant the apples and hay for Shadowmere and the fish bones for some other reason. Fish bones can be whittled into surprisingly useful things.

Reaching the top of the ladder I open the trap door to the surface and climb out into the fresh air. The sun is shining and it has since dried up from the rain storm we had the night before. Before heading into the city itself I stop and give Shadowmere her breakfast and refill her water before setting off. With the list of tasks securely in one of my many pockets and a batch of poisoned apples at hand I head for the sanctuary to drop them off and check in with the group there. I might even say hello to Frank, the dark guardian who guards the sanctuary. He was the first dark guardian I ever encountered, and previously did not have a name, though he has inhabited the sanctuary much longer than anyone currently there, not unlike Dennis and his companions at Fort Farragut. Frank unfortunately is not as talkative and while he acknowledges me usually does not engage in any sort of conversation. He is good to bounce ideas off of at least, a silent and non judgemental listener. Giving the city guards a quick nod in greeting as I pass through the gates they wish me a good morning. First I make a quick stop at the sanctuary beneath the abandoned house, saying good morning to those who are there and handing the batch of poisoned apples off to Issy who will need them for a contract she needs to complete. “Morning, Frank.” I say to the dark guardian in passing as I wander through the sanctuary and he seems to wave almost in reply. Setting the bag of apples on one of the tables I ask how everyone is today and the answer seems to be tired. That’s fair, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t tired too. “Why is it you talk to the guardian and give him a name?” Matthieu, a newer member asks with a mix of curiosity and judgment in his voice. I never know quite what to say to Matthieu considering when I was a child I killed his mother as part of one of my first contracts. “It humanizes them. They were living people at one point after all.” At that answer Matthieu furrows his brows in thought and eventually gets up, leaving the table most likely to go think more about the matter. With the apples handed over and everyone has been checked in with, I continue with the rest of my day, Issy following me out of the sanctuary before we part ways for the time being. My next stop is to visit some of the shops and cross off the rest of what is on my to do list.

Cheydinhal does have a nice market, and for a smaller city or large town is quite nice really. The diverse population makes it easy to find things not easily found in other parts of the country, specifically food. I stop for lunch and a cup of tea in between errands and run into one of the more notable residents, a famous painter, who had come in for lunch as well. His paintings are said to be magical due to a special brush he uses, Issy apparently had to rescue him from one of the inside of his own paintings at one point. Lucky for me he knows me well enough at this point to sit with me while we eat and converse. He doesn’t know what I do of course, but he knows me by sight from seeing me around the town for so many years. “Have you ever had an argument with a dark guardian?” I ask the painter who thinks the question is a joke and answers he has not. “It’s an interesting experience, they're not the most talkative you know. Everybody says ‘Oh never argue with a dark guardian you won’t get anywhere!’ but it is a surprisingly useful exercise regarding how to properly argue.” The painter makes a sound in between sipping his tea and makes a note of it for the next time he ever needs to summon something. With lunch finished we go our separate ways. I have a few more errands to do, and he has a painting to finish, but not before offering to pay for lunch and refusing to take no for an answer. My argument for paying for myself proved futile. It is nice at least to have some extra money for groceries. By the time dusk begins to fall all the things on my to do list are completed and I pass through the gates once more heading up the hill to go home.

 “Dennis, I’m back and I got what you wanted!” I call from the top of the ladder and climb down, groceries in hand. I hear the sound of running feet that come skidding to a stop at the gate that separates my living space from the rest of the fort. Unpacking the bags I toss one of the fish bones to Dennis and it lands at his feet “as requested.” The skeleton picks up the bone and wanders off into the darkness, probably to go show his friends. Shadowmere had already gotten her hay and an apple or two, with the rest for me. While I work on making a simple dinner Dennis returns to his usual spot and makes a noise directed at me. “You can’t have my dinner.” I tell the skeleton who grunts again unhappily. “It will go right through you.” I reiterate pointing my wooden spoon in his general direction between stirs. We go back and forth while the dish cooks before he stomps off, unhappy he can’t have my stew made of leftover vegetables and some meat that needs to be eaten. “This is why they say never argue with a dark guardian!” I yell to Dennis, as I know he can still hear me even if he’s out of sight. At least the day is done, and I have my dinner. While dark guardians make for interesting companions, they can still get on one's nerves, even if arguing with them is a good exercise in logic.