Don't... (Ali)

And the sad story arcs of Thedas continue.

And the video at the end from the anime series Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood basically sums up Alarian

Background: Ali has trouble keeping their emotions in check, PTSD, Survivors guilt, PDD-NOS, depression and an aggression disorder all clump together in a not exactly good way. In a sad but nessecary effort to get Ali the help they so desperately need, Leliana and Zevran bring them to a hospital for people who are hurting, not physically, but emotionally. Ali is left there and is quite upset.

"Don't do that" Morrigan says as I bang my head against the paneled wall. "Don't do that." Sten doesn't even look up from his book as I pace the library muttering things to myself, scrapping ideas and getting altogether frustrated kicking the stool in a fit of anger. "Can you please not do that." Alistair bangs through the wall as I scream in terror from the nightmares the seize me when I close my eyes. I can't help it, everything I do I end up doing wrong, everything I touch gets ruined. Everyone I love dies or gets put in harms way. I look in the mirror, snow pale skin, lined with silver markings from experiments during my days at the circle along with my harrowing. Which is basically an excuse to eradicate mages who may or may not pose a threat to society. I run my hand along them, then up my arm to my face, thin discolored lips, gaunt high cheekbones and piercing green eyes, unsettling to some, but not as bad as Cole, whose eyes look unliving, but have a compassion to them. Mine just house unrest, ruin and terror. I run a hand through my hair, it used to be longer, then was cut against my will and I'm in the process of growing it out again. It currently looks a bit like a boys, not a bad thing, just makes me feel a bit sad when I touch the back of my neck. My mind goes back to that night. It was a cool summer night and I left the balcony door open, I heard noises and next thing I know in tied up and blind folded. Then brought to somewhere in southeastern Ferelden and strapped to a chair. It's like the ones they have in The White Spire, for mage's who are corrupt, they blast them with wave after wave of electricity, and eventually it's too much for the heart, and it fails. A soldier takes a needle and drives it into my upper arm, carving in a set of numbers “1.5.9.7.0” with a combination of blue ink and pure lyrium. The old markings I have aren't lyrium, but more alchemaniac symbols, that react when in contact with lyrium, that's why if I hug or touch Fenris I have a slight silver glow of them activating. I look at myself in the mirror, I look like a ghost, with my skin and short hair and piercing emerald eyes I look like something out of one of Varric's horror stories. I look like a monster. I remember that I also have Darkspawn blood in my veins from The Joining of the Grey Wardens. So I don't just look like a monster, I AM a monster. I stare at myself then drive a recoiling fist through the mirror, shattering the glass. I don't want it anymore.

“Are you okay?” Zevran comes into my room the next morning to find me half asleep on the floor, surrounded in glass shards. “No.” I say and go back to sleep unmoving from my place on the floor. “Is this glass?” He asks kicking a shard slightly. I nod. He crouched down “what did you do?” He smirks and pulls me into a sitting position from my curled up form. “Punched a mirror.” I glumly look at the floor. “Why?” I sigh “I-I don't know I just got fed up with everything. I was looking at myself last night and I look like a ghost. I'm a monster why am I the hero I'm just a stupid kid wizard. Alistair's the older grey warden anyway. And Wynne and Morrigan know fancy magic, and you and Leliana can't backstab people. And Oghren and Sten and Alistair can stab people and fight and stuff. And Shale can throw people and crush them with their fists. I'm not anything special.” Zevran inches closer “Okay some things I want to clarify. 1, your NOT a monster. 2, your not stupid in fact your one if not the most intelligent people I ever met. 3, we’re a team and teams need at least a few of each person, unless someone counts as two. Like Bombur in The Hobbit.” He pauses as we laugh at that statement. “4, Please don't break anymore mirrors in the middle of the night. Unless your pretending to haunt the Inquisitor. Haunt the shit out of them. And lastly 5, I know how you feel. To be down on yourself, never think your good enough, think your stupid and unspecial, to beat yourself up over every little thing.” I look at him “you do?” I whisper. Zevran nods, and moves a lock of blonde hair out of his face. “I do. Did you know that I was boy of 7 years old when I was purchased by The Crows? For five sovereigns, I good price I'm told. I was a skinny thing of bones and skin when I first got there. Was constantly berated by my master, was the runt of the pack compared to my peers. And what do you know? Now I work in the company of The Grey Wardens, Two Circle mage's, the witch of the wilds, a Qunari and a dwarf outcast, the prince of Fereldan, A golum, and The Queen of Tevinter. How's that for luck?” I listen to Zevs story then shortly after he's done Leliana walks in, expecting to find me asleep in my bed, not Zev and I sitting on the floor sitting in glass shards from a shattered mirror. “What's going on?” She says stopping in her tracks. “Nothing. just sitting.” Zevran says crossing his legs. “In a pile of broken glass?” Leliana has a perplexed expression on her face. “I punched a mirror last night because I got mad and I don't like emotions.” I say strangely happily. Leliana has a worried expression on her face. “Can I talk to you- Zevran.” Leliana gestures to the hallway, and Zev pops up and they walk into the hallway calling Morrigan too. The door is mostly closed but I can hear little snips of hushed conversation “But we can't-” “I'm worried about them.” “They broke a mirror for Andastrates sake!” “Okay okay okay. We’ll do that-” “let's talk about this later.” Then the door opens back up, Morrigan smiles and says awkwardly “Hi Alarian. Can you come with me and we’ll go get you dressed and we can go see Wynne about breakfast and looking if you got hurt from any of that glass.” Leliana goes and gets a broom to clean up the glass then gets Wynne to use magic to put back the mirror together. Zevran goes to take a shower I think. Morrigan grabs a set of cloths from my dresser and we go back to her room. She has me step behind a screen, then helps me take of my shirt, leaving me still in an undershirt, then hands me a binder and steps away until I put it on again. Then helps me with my pants and hands me a pair of boxers and the process repeats. She helps me button my shirt after numerous attempt with fumbling with the task. Afterwords we go down the hall, waking up the others who are still alseep by knocking firmly on their doors until we hear tired grumbles. At the end of the hall is a common room of sorts, it has Wynne’s sewing table, Sten and I have a set of checker pieces in a mesh bag over hanging on a hook, there's some chairs, and I have a small box with some little wooden toys and things that were given to me either at Ostagar before it fell, or when we visited the Dalish camp. And I have some of the stuffed toys Krem made me when he got bored and needed something to do. I see Leliana and Wynne talking briefly, before Leliana notices us walking closer and then heads back towards us and the stairs, her red hair glimmers and shines in the sunlight streaming in from the window at the end. Wynne greats us warmly “good morning, need something? Leliana just stopped by to ask me to take a look at you Ali my friend. Something about glass?” I sit down next to her and roll up my sleeves explaining as Wynne inspects my arms for glass shards. “Well I see two small pieces in your wrists and hands. I'm going to take them out, so you might feel a pinch but shouldn't hurt too much.” Wynne grabs her glasses which she only wears when doing very precarious work or sewing things, and a pair of tweezers, carefully removing the clear silver glass. Ouch, it kind of hurts, but I've had worse, I can bear it. After she quickly throws the shards in the trash then gets two pieces of tan bandage and wraps my hands and wrists in them, tapping them closed. “Can we have breakfast?”

The three of us head down the stairs to find the others already seated at breakfast, some are eating already. Wynne makes me breakfast, being careful of what I can and can't eat. Mostly because I'm allergic to around half the things on this planet. Nuts, seeds, certain forms of dairy, trees, flowers, dust, fish, shellfish, and a lot of other stuff. I end up with a piece of cinnamon raisin toast with butter and a glass of water, while the others eat either Eggs, pancakes or something else a lot better than a piece of toast. Oh well. More proof I'm unwanted and useless.

I wander around the house for the rest of the day, ignoring Barky and other things or people I'm usually happy to see. I spend most of the day in the library staring either at a blank page with small words I'm too tired to process or at the bookshelves blankly staring at the colorful yet faded prints. “Don't do that Kadan, you'll hurt yourself.” Sten pipes in as he waves his hand in front of my eyes. I blink rapidly “what?” “Don't do that.” He says and exits the room. I frown.

“Hey Ali. Can you come with us? We're gonna go for dinner.” Leliana says crouching down so we're eye level. “Okay.” I get up and follow her and Zevran out the door, Morrigan follows locking the door behind her, then walks with us. We go and walk into Denerim, The Captial city. We go to the market place and eat an early dinner in a fancy restaurant. After dinner though is where things get interesting. “Are we going home now?” It's around 5:00 by now and the sun will be setting in a few hours. “Hang on, I just need to stop somewhere.” Leliana says as we go to a more residential district we stop outside a large building, I can't tell quite what it is, the three of us go inside and Leliana waves for us to go sit down in three of the chairs lining the walls. As she goes and talks to an older woman sitting at a desk then gestures for us to go to her. We walk over and the nurse says “And this must be Ali?” Leliana nods yes. I look at her “what's going on?” I look at my friends nervously. Morrigan sighs and puts her face in her hands whispering something to herself. “Uhh, uhh, Leliana you explain.” Zevran says and steps aside. “We- we came to the decision that it would be best if you- you stayed here for a little bit. Just do you can work though everything, and you'll be happier and healthier and your general quality of life will be improved. I know we should have told you first, but if we did you wouldn't have come and that would just set you back further.” Leliana says as calmly as she can, they seem sad too, with the fact that at the end of the day they'll need to leave, leave me here, all alone. A few nurses come out of the doors and lead us down a long hallways to the Psych unit. There's a lot of other kids here, their mostly in a large common room. The nice nurse leads me to a separate room “this will be your room. It's gets pretty hectic in the common room, people sometimes throw things and scream and shout and we think it'll be better for you to have peace and quiet. And before you ask, yes they can visit you.” She says pointing to my companions. That's good at least. She gives us a few hours and shows us the rest of the grounds, there's a large fenced in yard here with a playground and a small field, as well as a school for kids with disabilites. I know where I am now, I went here over the summer for some classes and camp before we went to Kirkwall and Tevinter. At around nine o'clock my friends turn to leave, hugging me tightly and saying they'll see me in a week or two depending on how long it takes, and they'll visit me everyday they can. Then the nurse takes them away. I watch from one of the large windows in the common room, tuning out all the chaos that's taking place behind me as I activate my markings and begin to faintly glow silver. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't. Cry.

"Don't."

To be continued…


Aaaaaaaaa my feels while writing this aaaaaa
This was also partially written using inspiration from my brother and his battle with depression, as well as my (not as violent one. He kicked and yelled more, I mostly just suffer silently)

Until next time,
Max