The Unforgotten Past (Alarian)

Ender Chan this is part of my revenge...

I toss and turn, sleeping fitfully. Outside the thunder crashes and the lightning strikes, coming through the thin curtains with a harsh crash! The wind and rain sweep through the landscape like a storm of my own thoughts through me head. I remember, I remember...and all I wanted was not to remember. All I had wanted was to forget, to forget the barbed wire, forget the cramped, claustrophobic quarters, the stench, the furnaces, the mysterious chambers where those who enter never return from, and the bodies. God I wish I could forget the bodies. The thunder sounds again and crawl further under the covers, hiding myself from the sound. I stay like that for a while, shivering like a scared mouse in the darkness. It's rather ironic I think to myself as I clutch the stuffed bunny I have, it's ears worn and fabric faded and weak in places- but it's my only toy really, because I grew up in the circle, I never had toys really. My only things to play with were discarded books and any old sacks and buttons I found. But the irony is here's me: A Grey Warden, hiding under the covers because of a thunderstorm. I hear the sound of a door cracking open and pop up from the covers, with magic at the ready, but quickly put my hands down. It's just Fenris, he and Hawke are staying with us briefly while Varric has to meet with Leliana for something, storyteller stuff. His white hair is tousled and messy, and the lyrium bound in his skin glows softly in the light when the lightning strikes. “I just wanted to check on you because I know you don't like thunderstorms. From what it seem it was a good idea.” I stroke my stuffed bunnies ears and try to stop myself from trembling. Fenris comes and sits by me on my bed, “You wanna talk about it?” I shrug and pull up the covers over my knees. “Well do you think it would help to?” He asks turning on the lamp that's on the nightstand at the foot of my bed, it's yellow glow illuminates the room, making it brighter, but not overly bright. The perfect amount. I think on it for a moment before nodding. “What are you feeling, that'd give me a gage of what to specifically talk about.” Images, words, sounds, everything rushes through my head rapidly. “Like I can't forget it, no matter how hard I try I'll always have a reminder of there, and it makes me feel like I can't get away.” I hug my knees to chest as I start to cry, burying my face between them to hide myself. Fenris hugs me tightly and let's me cry- Nobody ever lets me cry. I think he does this, because he knows what it's like, to be in a similar situation. To everyday deal with the effects of the past, a past that cannot be forgotten. He knows it maybe better than I do, or at least in a different way. Fenris eventually let's me go and wipes away some of my remaining tears, “I get how you feel Ali, if you ever need to talk to someone about how you feel, come find me. Alright?” I nod and he smiles. Then has a thought and walks over to the desk and gets a piece of paper and a pencil. “I want you to draw me what suffering is. Draw whatever comes to your head, this is an experiment I want to try.” I take the paper and pencil, think of what suffering is, and start immediately drawing. Minutes pass and pass until the paper is completely filled up. I hand it to Fenris who looks it over and hands it back “Can you explain it?” He asks me. “Well, the person whose skin and bones suffers because they don't get any food and are overworked. The people running are humiliated as others watch and snigger and beat them when they slow down. The scribbles are meant to be emotions, shock, pain, hopelessness, etcetera. The house with the X and the person standing next to it suffers because they don't have any place in the world. The gas and the fire with the people stepping into it are suffering from extreme pain and the terrible feat of death. The girl sitting crying suffers from shame and the feeling they deserve the treatment they got. And the lightning strike is the suffering from understanding that all of this was not just a bad dream, the numbers symbolize that too.” Fenris blinks and looks at the paper taking it from my hands once more, “I, uh- wow. That was a really deep analysis. Really, wow.” He looks at the scrawled drawings “I'm guessing this one's you?” He points to a small person with short hair in the corner of the paper. I nod “And these are the SS, right here.” The Qunari live under a fascist government, anyone who defies the arishok is either killed or sent to “Re-Education camps” which are basically concentration camps but they are mostly just hard labor instead of death camps like auschwitz or other camps. But because of the fascist regime media is distorted and propaganda rules instead of independence, and if you don't follow the rules, The SS, the military secret service will come and take you away, or worse... They wear large black coats and even larger black boots. The sound of them stomping through the Alienanages and ghettos rings in my mind with a deafening sound, the stomping of the soldiers, the crash of broken glass, the screams and cries of children yelling for their dead parents only to be shot down shortly after. The walls and buildings, the streets and war machines, all stained with the dark red colour of blood.. The sounds of gunshots as the night is lit up with gunpowder exploding. The SS only take orders from The Arishok, whose goal is to exterminate all Jews, and eventually rule the world. And the Arishok tasked them with leading the extermination. The SS are the people who killed my parents, and they would have killed me too, if it weren't for the basket I was hidden in. “If only I could forget, if only my mind could be like Fenris, not remember anything from a certain point.” I think to myself, but wait- I then think of how much pain and frustration that's caused him. He forgot his home, his family, all his life before the lyrium, all he had was the ritual carved into his mind and the commands of his former master. He never remembered any of it until that night with Hawke, but when his sister came knocking one day he didn't recognize her when she hugged him. All he did was flinch and smile in attempt to mask the pain rushing through his veins. Why is it that we can't forget the past? The dark, cruel, unforgettable past? I think I know…

Because if we forget the past, the future will only be repetition of those events. Those terrible, unforgettable events.

Fenris and I sit in silence. Seconds turn to minutes, minutes then turn to hours, until it's nearly sunrise. “You should go back to sleep.” He says and gets up turning off the light. “Goodnight.” I mumble and turn over as Fenris closes the door. But I don't sleep, all I do is lay there and watch the past events replay over and over in my brain. And hope that this doesn't happen again. The thunder crashes again, and I feel a hand over my mouth…

To be continued…