Bye,
M
Saturday, June 18, 2016
I give up
I give up. On everything. Nothing brings me joy anymore, at at most little of it. Not art, not my beloved books, not Videogames (when I don't start smiling at the word "Skyrim" that's how you know something's wrong) not even The Fellowship. I keep getting comments doubting what I post is mine just because I ran out of paper and had to draw on tracing paper because what was I supposed to draw on, a wooden block?? I shrug and keep walking at the sight of a bookstore, even if I know they have things I like. Music and band are no longer enjoyable. I perk up slightly if it's a favorite game or book of mine but still remain the lone, frowning faced, exhausted looking pale tiny thing I am. Even if Tony or Jack or Abbie or Greyson come bounding in full of excitement I just tell them "go away" and go back to staring at the plain white wall. I give up, don't expect anymore art for a while, if ever again. No ones gonna like it anyways, so why should I do it? I'll still write my posts and stories but don't expect to see me for a few days, or a while, or ever.
Bye,
M
Bye,
M
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I've drawn on paper, wood, ceramic, myself...mostly myself. Mainly, they are paintings of my future as a failure.
ReplyDeleteI worry that I am not good enough to do the music I love. I have a chance at a solo: an actual solo in a symphony orchestra setting. I want to fandub, but I fear that my songs will sound terrible. I don't know how long I can do music. I want to do drama, but it's the same thing. I'm not talented and no one knows my name. The clock is ticking on my potential. I just worry that the music I love will fade into a distant dream in the near future simply because I am not good enough.
I have learned how to give up on my dreams to save myself from, well, myself. If you ever need advice on giving up on your dreams, ask me. I am rather experienced in this regard. I have always loved your art, but please give up on it if it gives you no joy. It would be useless to pursue something not worth pursuing.
Follow my dreams? Not for the life of me!
Your not a failure though! I've drawn/painted on Paper, Tracing pad, Canvas, Photoshop and that's about it.
DeleteWell you are good enough! I watched some of your flute videos and there very good!!! We know your name, and even the greatest actors had times when no one knew their name. You are good enough!
I give up on things if I know their going no where. I slept on it and after doing the illustration for Numbers made me feel a bit better...and deleting that post made me feel better too. I think I'll just take a little hiatus from art for a few days and see how it goes.
Anna....
DeleteI am breaking this *long* reply into twain parts!! I so cannot do Twitter!! Ha!! ;-D
This comment of yours really hit home, it truly cut me like a knife emotionally.... And not necessarily in a bad way.... Let me explain. "I have learned how to give up on my dreams to save myself from, well, myself. If you ever need advice on giving up on your dreams, ask me. I am rather experienced in this regard. Follow my dreams? Not for the life of me!" How do *I* give up *my* dreams, *my* hopes, *my* aspirations to save *myself* from complex thoughts, feelings, emotions, to save *myself* from *my* tearful mood swing-infused pity parties? All I have ever wanted was to be is a published author.... But that is an unobtainable, lifelong, broken, shattered dream. Because *I can't*. Dreams are, in *my* experience, like balloons, filled with nothing but air or helium. One poke with a tack and--POP--they are gone, just like that. Dreaming is, in my experience, delusional. And yet, why does society continuously preach this message.... "If your believe in yourself, then all your dreams will come true!!"? That's a lie!! Why does it feel like seemingly *everybody* is achieving *his* dream or *her* aspiration.... *Everybody* but *me*? Whatever. Maybe {big, fat maybe} I do not *want* to be a published author after all. Book tours.... Interviews.... Book signings.... It all sounds overwhelming!! I do not even know who the hell I am as an artist, anyway!! ;)
Blow away the dreams that tear you apart; Blow away the dreams that break your heart; Blow away the lies that leave you nothin' but lost and brokenhearted --Lyrics to "The Promised Land", written by Bruce Springsteen
"Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn
Anna....
Delete"I've drawn on paper, wood, ceramic, myself...mostly myself. Mainly, they are paintings of my future as a failure." Now wait just a minute!! Anna.... You do NOT have a future as a failure!! You're still young.... You are only a teenager!! {I am not stating this fact because I'm older, but you're young enough to be my little sister!! How cool is that?!} "The clock is ticking on my potential."? Wow.... I did not feel that way until I was, like eighteen.... And then later when I reluctantly turned thirty!! Now, I am not underestimating your feelings, but when I felt like my clock was ticking, like I'm a worthless, cosmic failure, it only made me depressed!! You're talented, able, smart, brilliant.... And then some!! God has plans for your Life for your present, for your future.... Even for your past, as that has already been written, and is a part of you!! Anna.... You *are* "good enough"!! Whether that be to do music, or acting.... Or something else!! Only *you* can tell yourself that you're not good enough.... And guess what? *You* do not have to listen!! Easier said than done, I know. Trust me. I know.... ;)
Dreams may feel like an air-filled balloon {see my reply above} and dreaming may be delusional, but I am a *firm believer* in the unexpected, in the unplanned.... With that, you never know what might happen!! Please do not lose hope!! For example? Hip swaying/dancing/cutting loose to Bruce Springsteen every single day was unexpected, it was unplanned.... I never decided that I'd gradually whip my body into shape and lose a ton of weight.... No pun intended!! It was not a cliché New Year's Resolution!! And my {still private} soul-searchin', rock 'n roll healin' The River Challenge journey that I'm currently on was *also* unexpected, it was *also* unplanned!! Oh yeah.... Falling in love with and becoming Bruce's fanatic? I did not plan *that*, either!! Yes, it was *absolutely* unexpected!! ;)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. --Jeremiah 29:11
"Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn
PS. I know that I've been a loner this week and I have not read/commented on your--or M's--Blog posts lately.... Sorry. I am currently in the process of sorting out my thoughts, feelings and emotions concerning the terrorist attack at Pulse in Orlando last week.... I have just been feverishly writing a *long* journal entry... ;)
But what is "good enough"? It is a steadily increasing standard. Maybe I was good enough at one point.
DeleteAnna....
Delete"What is 'good enough'? It is a steadily increasing standard." Good question, good point, Friend.... But if you constantly think of yourself as not being "good enough", then it will only make an already low Self-Esteem lower, it will only make Depression worsen, it will *definitely* not help!! I don't have to be a psychiatrist or a therapist or a psychologist to know this. {I'm not!!} I don't have to be older than you. I don't even have to be Oprah Winfrey or Dr. Phil!! I just need Life. A *lot* of Life. Trust me, I just know.... Because--perfectionist to perfectionist--I have been there.... So many times!! *Hugs!!* ;)
Well, I need to go.... It is getting late and I wanna work on my journal entry about Orlando before I get ready for church!! ;-D
"Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn
Raelyn:
DeleteI liked the idea of the past, present and future being written.
The unexpected and the unplanned can be awesome.
Would love to read what you wrote about Orlando and LGBTQIA life and friendship.
Adelaide....
Delete"I liked the idea of the past, present and future being written." Thanks!! As a Christian, I believe that God writes our past, present and future!! ;)
The unexpected, the unplanned is awesome, huh?! ;-D
My journal entry about what happened in Orlando and {you nailed it} my good friendship with S and P, who are homosexuals, is a work in progress right now!! ;)
"Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn
PS. LGBTQIA.... I have been unintentionally leaving out the last two letters.... I write/say "LGBTQ"!! Curse my premature short-term memory loss!! ;-}
*This* is where my comment was supposed to be!! ;-}
DeleteAdditional thought.... A local Website for yesterday's Pride Parade--which, by the way, had an incredibly good turnout!!--wrote "LGBTQ".... ;)
"Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn
M....
ReplyDeleteI am going to try and keep your comment as short and sweet as possible, for I'm quickly running out of time before church this morning!! ;-D
I have--thankfully--never received any critical, judgmental or hateful comments from Readers, Followers and Blogging Friends about the fictional stories that I've posted on "Minuscule is good!".... So I cannot even begin to understand how that must make you feel. *Ouch*. My advice is this.... Only do your artwork for *you*!! Mentally and emotionally block out what other people say/write, what other people think!! If doing your artwork makes *you* feel happy? Then by all means, keep doing it!! But only draw, sketch, doodle, paint, write--whatever--for *you*!! Honestly? That is who I write my fictional stories for!! ;)
"Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn
Ok have fun at church?
DeleteThat's good that you never have its not fun! I thought over it as I was doing the illustration for "Numbers..." My newest writing (if you read it prepare for feels) that's what I'm going to do, block it out.
M....
DeleteWe are visiting our dear friends' church this morning, so reuniting with this wonderful, yet super busy family should be fun!! ;)
"That's what I'm going to do, block it out." Good!! ;-D
"Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn
That's Great Raelyn!! Have fun!
DeleteRaelyn:
Deletefamilies are wonderful.
Adelaide....
Delete"Families *are* wonderful." I absolutely agree, Friend!! ;)
"Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn
M and readers of Disability Diaries:
ReplyDeleteGood stuff comes from plain white walls.
[Even though it's generally not advisable to stare at them 20 hours a day as prisoners might- or even 40 as some behaviour analysts would have us do in their certifications and in practice].
If the wall stays up - we know there has been solid craftspersonship.
Same for a seconds shower recess. That is an art of fabrication and salespersonship.
When you don't smile at SKYRIM anymore, we do indeed know that something might be or is wrong. Or has gone past wrong.
["Wrong" in the sense of pain; not in the sense of morals and ethics. My anxious and depressed friends are very moral and conscientious people].
Raelyn: I hope you never do receive any judgemental or hateful comments. What you did - you tapped into a community of dog lovers.
Dani Peka Miller is always very clear about her work and how it is to be received. She started at it when she was about 3 years old. Only last November did I discover it.
She always says: No mean comments or unclear criticism of any kind. That makes sure the dialogue is constructive from day one. And it makes terms clear for those of us who have interpretations of the various characters. She has recently been able to take great risks with her Anpanman sketches and sell some of her comic work which greatly benefits the community.
Raelyn and M and FlutistPride: if you want to see Miller's work it is on this page -
Miller did some good work for her Dad on Father's Day
Raelyn: do you also go to church functions during the week? Memorials?
M: the mental block-out is relatively simple for me.
The emotional consequences.
I have joined CampNaNoWriMo for the second time this year.
This July I have aimed to write a novel called THE MAJELLA PROJECT. Big hairy audacious goal?
There's a thing called moratorium which has applied to some - many - of my dreams. Some still live in a different form or with new content and aims. And I can still dream new dreams and facilitate other people's and make the conditions possible.
Majella Project on CampNaNoWriMo July 2016
We are still to be sorted into our cabins. This was a key part of my April 2016 experience when I wrote 4 essays totalling 12,000 words.
And the nice thing about NaNoWriMo is that we can invite friends if we and they want to do it.
Adelaide....
ReplyDelete"I hope you never do receive any judgemental or hateful comments. What you did - you tapped into a community of dog lovers." Me too!! Aw, Blogville--that community of dog lovers--if I remember right, *they* found *me*!! ;)
"Do you also go to church functions during the week? Memorials?" I do not attend church during the week. Just on Sunday mornings!! Although I *have* attended memorials, it does not happen very often!! I've also been to bridal or baby showers, weddings.... But on Sunday mornings it is church and reconnecting with friends!! ;-D
"Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn
Additional thought.... A local Website for yesterday's Pride Parade--which, by the way, had an incredibly good turnout!!--wrote "LGBTQ".... ;)
Delete"Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn
Adelaide....
DeleteWhoops.... This comment is supposed to be way up there underneath my reply when I realized that I'm accidentally leaving out twain letters because I write/say "LGBTQ"!! Ugh.... ;-}
"Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn
I like dogs, I'm allergic though. I sometimes go on Sunday mornings. Sometimes I go with the kramers to Temple (like me They are half Christian half Jewish. Mrs.K is Jewish and occasionally goes to church, Will and Jack lean more towards the Jewish side but alternate and had their confirmation but prefer temple and Ben and mr.k don't really know.
DeleteM....
DeleteYou are allergic to dogs?! I am so sorry, Friend!! :-(
You are half Christian and half Jewish? Cool!! ;-D
"Stay hard, stay hungry, stay alive", Raelyn
Yes I am, not very much though I just sneeze.
DeleteYes I am and so are the Kramers!!